Boo

Yes. I realize this is the second post in two days. Perhaps it's because I'm a newbie. Perhaps it's because I'm procrastinating what has to be done... Or perhaps I just really want to talk and no one will listen. Who knows? So anyway, I've decided today that, although everyone has their things and mine really aren't that bad compared to a lot of people...it's still very hard when you're insecure about something. Let's see... The three things I absolutely can't stand: I can't stand it when people call others fat. I can't stand it when people joke about rape or racism. I can't stand it when people call others stupid. Honestly, they're just the most rude things in the entire world. Why do we feel we have to be so hurtful to our fellow beings? Even in a joking way? Now, there was nothing that brought this on. I'm just feeling more-than-slightly insecure right now. I don't know why. There are a few physical features that I've always had problems getting used to and don't know why I can't just be "normal" (whatever that is). I spent a half-hour today scraping off layers of my feet because they peel. Really? What's that all about? I've decided it's not athlete's foot because those medicines don't help, but no one knows what it is. I talked to my mom about it and apparently she has the same thing, only not as bad. I've always felt slightly uncomfortable about feet. Not only do I think they're pretty much all ugly (but useful) but they smell. Gross. I'm very uncomfortable about my feet especially though. Dissapointed. Ashamed. Whatever you want to call it. Then, there's my pimple problems. I talked to my mom about this one too. (She's one of my best friends so we talk about a lot). It's gotten worse over the past few months. I don't know why. I remember it got pretty bad after I graduated and moved to college in Texas, but then seemed to get better. I've used the strongest (99.9% effective) medicine to get rid of it, but I've decided that my skin is just like my hair...It does whatever it wants to and doesn't give a padoody about what I want. What else? Let's see... Well, all of my fat seems to go into my stomach. I don't much like that at all. I don't like turning sideways in the mirror and thinking my stomach pokes out farther than my breasts do. That makes me sad. So, I honestly try not to look in my big mirror anymore. How sad is that? Then, of course, there's my (what I felt to be for the longest time) larger-than-life breasts. I hated those things. My first bra was bought with my mom in fourth grade in Iowa. I remember that day. I used to hide in the lockerroom (I'd get dressed and undressed in the bathroom so that the other girls wouldn't make fun of me). Oh yeah. I used to be very chubby when I was younger. Now, I'm not so much...and if I am, don't tell me otherwise because it might make me cry. Not fat. Not skinny. Trying to eat healthier. That's what it's all about, right? I don't really like to play a lot of sports because with these things, it makes it hard (my mom and I talked about that one too). I have amazingly large hands, I think, for a girl...and oftentimes, they have these ugly veins that pop outta them so that they look like manhands. Don't much like that one. (Mom and I never spoke of that one, I don't think). There are a few other physical shortcomings I believe I have, but I'll keep those ones between me and Yost, who says I'm beautiful no matter what. What a dear. I think probably everyone gets into phases like this... I just really don't like feeling like I could be better if I tried harder. Like Captivating says, we're not enough...and yet we're too much all at the same time. How can we ever win? Will there ever be a point in life when I'm truly happy with everything that's happening? Probably not... But I believe I'm getting better. Maybe I'm just crabby because I want to eat...again...like always. Talapia...Ugh...I'll try it and we'll see how that goes. Oh My God!!! I love you all so much. Just figured I'd let you know. GLYASDI ~K