It seems as though, for some reason, things have been a lot slower at work. Not in that there aren't things that need to get done, but in that things seem to be taking quite a bit longer than normal. Weird. Right now, I'm hoping to be able to scan in the rest of an architecture book by the end of today. Yea for yea. I hope it works. I'm feeling particularly sad today. Yesterday was my bro-in-law's birthday, so Christopher called to say howdy (and hb obviously). I learned that some of my physical and emotional problems are shared with my sis-in-law... I don't know exactly how to say what I feel. Crappy is a good word. But I wonder WHY I feel so bad. Is it that I've been in/am still in the same situation so I feel her pain and feel bad for her. Or is it my selfish side that wants to be the first...or that I'm spoiled and sad that my experiences aren't unique and others can handle it better than I can. I don't really know what to say about it. She and I haven't talked much since "the blowup" right before Chris and I got married. That makes me very sad. I don't even know if she knows Nate told Chris. And should I write to her as we have many connections or should I wait and see if she wants to talk (as Chris offered our shoulders and/or resources if she wants them). And then it's making me rethink my current situation. I HATE that most of all. I don't think I have the emotional energy to take on anything else. I hate thinking that I'm making the wrong choice and I hate making a conservative choice only to realize that I should've gone with my gut feeling on something. Then again, I know that sometimes what my gut feeling is...well, it's just indigestion (that was my way of making light of the situation). I guess I'm in a confused place...yet again...or, perhaps more accurately...still. Tonight is our first young couples study of this semester and I'm excited and nervous and stressed about it. Why do people stress? Honestly? And why is it that some people stress a lot more than others? Is it genetic or is it learned or is it simply a characteristic of a person? Whatever it is, I don't like it being part of me. It drains me. Lately, at least. I honestly thrive on beneficiall stress...but lately I've had much less energy to go off of. And why that is, I'm not sure either. I realize that this blog is ending up being a lot longer than most of them, but I'll say it's because I have practically nothing else that I can do. Boo. I've been working through The Artist's Way and technically this week I'm supposed to forego reading. I took this as read only the essentials, as I've been procrastinating homework for two weeks and my entire job is reading and scanning. I haven't even been able to stick to the essential reading. I haven't picked up any of my "fun" books this week, so perhaps that counts, but I've definitely still been doing e-mail (although I have tried to cut back...) Why do I feel like the person I never was in a past life? How can one situation or perhaps one physical location do this much damage...or perhaps have this much effect...on a person? I don't like it. I used to always be the happy one...and it wasn't mostly fake-it-to-make-it happy. I was a genuinely joyful person. What has gotten it's hold on me so tight that I have to put forth a massive conscious effort just to laugh once a day; to smile at people I walk by; to encourage others... I don't like it. Plus, I'm hungry. Not extremely hungry. More of craving something bad for me. I'm excited for the weekend. I hope I'm able to get quite a bit done. I'm excited to see something (anything) get done. Oh yeah, and I've already started making my Christmas list (that made me smile). I know... I know... But I can't help it. I'm the type of person where, even if it's important, I'll forget it if I don't write it down. Kelly seems to get upset when I only ask for practical things for Christmas. I can't help it though. There isn't all that much that I want besides not having to buy the normal boring stuff. Or the sorta-essentials/sorta-wants are still considered necessities. Shrug of the shoulders. I haven't decided what I'll actually ask for, but I've already started my list...And, no, chocolate isn't on it. (insert sad face here) LOL This year, Chris and I are really going to try and cut down on our gift spending (okay...that pretty much just means me, but whatever). I can't help it. I LOVE giving gifts. According to the 5 Love Languages, that means I should LOVE getting gifts, but that's my lowest love language. Funny. I'm going to try and give more home-made things/more thoughtful than expensive things this year. We'll see how that actually ends up working out. Dios le bendiga. ~K
